Food Nerd

I have learned that I come by my food-nerd ways honestly.

I recently spent a week visiting the Grad Student.  Finally, we weren't in mourning for the loss of a loved one.  And, he lives in a food paradise.

His most recent obsession is roasting his own coffee.  He, as any good scientist would, keeps detailed notes and is quite methodical with his process.  Each new sort of bean he buys, he roasts to three different levels and then brews each with four different methods.  He keeps detailed notes.  Similarly, on my first morning, he brewed me four cups of coffee, each utilizing a different brewing method. He had me taste each with and without milk and report which I preferred.  That became "my coffee" for the whole visit.

I have now acquired my own "rig" for roasting coffee and this weekend will embark on a new level of food nerd.  However, I won't likely keep the detailed notes like he does.

I hope the Phenom is up for this one.  I have Mexican and Peruvian beans to start this adventure.  And, I'm pretty sure the one thing my co-workers are REALLY looking forward to is me being jacked up on coffee every morning.  Hee Hee.

I'm unfair and other people's brain farts

A) Problem Child Employee once screamed at me that I was unfair and inconsistent because I wouldn't let her take "make up" time off before she actually earned it.  It wasn't my rule, but that of the corporate overlords.  Plus, the "late" work obligation got cancelled and she would have had to taken leave time anyway.

However, this week I'm letting Newbie (haven't found a nickname for Problem Child's replacement yet) take a few hours of time off and then "earn it back" later.  I know, this proves that I'm unfair and inconsistent.  But, Newbie doesn't scream at me or throw tantrums or try to find every imaginable excuse to not do her job.  She comes early, leaves late, and doesn't give me lip.  I like her better, and she is rewarded accordingly.

B) I added another doctor to the list of those not worth my time.  The foot doctor.  I went along with the suggestion I wear athletic shoes all the time. I discovered that this is the limit of my vanity . . . ugly shoes.  Not that I was known for fashionable foot wear to begin with, but lace up shoes just offend my tender monkey sensibilities.  Today, he was mid lecture about how I should wear shoes ALL THE TIME.  I was telling him that it wasn't gonna happen.  My shoes come off as soon as I get home and he wasn't going to change that.  We'd previously discussed that my issues are arthritis related rather than injury related, and he switched mid-lecture and told me that I must wear shoes outdoors to "avoid this sort of puncture wound."

Um, what?

I told him that I wasn't here to be treated for a puncture wound and he just blinked at me.  After a couple of seconds he tried to cover with "I was just telling you should avoid them."  Right.  And, I'm done.

I think I'll go dig all my old shoes out now, too.

In from the cold

I hope.

We have a homeless guy who I think sleeps in the dumpster behind my office.  I feel a lot of guilt because there is a person who is clever enough to figure out that the safest place for him to sleep, as a homeless person, is in a dumpster.  He generally is out by the time I roll in each morning, but once in a while I catch him.  Our office is just a block away from the town square fountain.  In warmer months, he'll get up early, splash off in the fountain, then come gather his things and leave for the day.

He also regularly digs through the dumpster for stuff he can use or sell.

Problem Child use to freak out when she saw him.  She wanted me to call the cops to have them take him off.  When I could, I'd bring him bottles of water and/or food we might have in the office.  This use to make her mad.

Today, being mardi gras, I had a king cake I'd made for the office.  About lunch time, I took some over to share with   friends in a neighboring office and noticed the homeless guy digging through the dumpster.  When I left work at the end of the day, he was still at "work."

I sat in my car and watched him for a minute.  I'd been blasted by cold air leaving the office.  I noticed he'd found a bright purple pair of sweat pants he'd put over his jeans.  He was trying on a pair of shoes he'd found in the dumpster.  I went back into the office, grabbed a bottle of water and cut a large portion of cake.  I wrapped up the cake on a plate with a napkin and fork in foil and took it out to him.

He danced as if he were on Bourbon Street.  I don't think he even heard me tell him that the homeless shelter would be open with no restrictions due to the cold.

I hope he wandered over to the shelter tonight.  I can't believe how rich I am, sometimes.  And, I can't believe that there are folks who would shrug and act as if the fact someone could freeze to death for lack of warm, safe places wasn't their problem.  Don't ever tell me you're "pro-life" if you'd throw this guy's life away to save a few pennies on your taxes.

I'm so easy

We replaced the Problem Child this week.  I'm going to call her replacement The Adult.  The Adult is closer to my age, but she also is light years away from the maturity level of Problem Child.

She has demonstrated an eagerness to learn.  She is embracing the work we do.  And, I made her cry in her first week.  Sigh.  But, to her credit, The Adult pulled herself together, helped me fix the issue, and didn't decide that she must forever be a mean and nasty little brat as a result of her error.

This far in, a whole work week, I'm going to say I am thinking pretty positive thoughts about the newbie.  I don't think she'll ever be an ESK, but there is potential for at least coming in second.

I do feel a bit bad that she is getting thrown into the fire first thing.  But, it will be sink or swim, and sometimes that's the best way to embrace a new challenge.  Then, she have a couple of months of being able to breathe.

Now, if I could only get the other worker to act human, we might actually have something.

Rant, rant, rant, rant, rant . . .

My favorite line in the movie "Harvey" is something like " Mother always said there were two types of people in this world: those who are oh so kind and those who are oh so smart.  After 35 years, of being smart, I recommend pleasant."  

I'm trying, really, to be pleasant.  Although my current situation has me wanting to set the record straight with every fiber of my being.  

The other day, I was speaking to someone who has tangential power/knowledge of the work I do.  She was singing the praises of Problem Child, listing her positive attributes and I quietly said "no, she wasn't" and this person, who I've kept in the dark about the reality that was the nightmare of Problem Child, said "well, I'm sure she could say things about you."

OH DAMN I want to tell her EXACTLY why I would say that Problem child wasn't "wonderful" and "so very organized."  But, I'm also trying to tell myself to take the high ground.  That I survived the experience should be enough.  That it's petty at this point.  That I should be pleasant rather than right.

It is better to be pleasant than right?  Right? 

At least I know that the Old Woman would applaud me in my keeping quiet, thus far.  

Like a rubic's cube, only with people

I'm a problem solver.  I like to figure out what's wrong and fix it.  I like to know how things work, and how to put them back together.  The problem is, you can't do that with people.

I will never understand people.  From the humans who want to torture innocent animals to the people who I swear must stay up at night coming up with new ways to screw other humans over.

I need to learn that people cannot be figured out.  It would be nice to say "oh, this person is mean" and "that person uses drugs" or "she is grieving and deserves a bit of slack."  But the fact is, human behavior can't always fit into a box.  You'd think, with all the bat-shit crazy stuff I've seen, I would remember that. But, I don't.

Several years ago, we were guests at a dinner party.  It was lovely, everyone was having fun, dinner was delicious and the host accidentally dropped the perfect chocolate cake his wife had made.  She was calm and said we'd have ice cream and whipped up some chocolate sauce.  He later told me that he felt so terrible about dropping the cake, and she'd made it even worse by not yelling at him.

I wonder if that's what I have done wrong with Problem Child?  Rather than working past the many mistakes, I should have yelled at her?  Maybe yelling would have had an impact and she would have worked harder to not repeat the same mistakes over and over?

But, there were times I spoke to her using a harsh tone of voice . . . it didn't work because her inclination was to stomp and yell and be irrational.

I'll never quite wrap my brains around you people.  Yer all nuts.

Don't do the drama

I've been rolling my eyes since I was a young monkey.  I'm pretty sure the reason I spent half my adult life trying to talk to school kids about safe sex and good relationships was because my karmic reward for each and every time I rolled my eyes at the Old Woman was to find myself receiving the eye roll from a whole classroom of brats.

But, I never managed to do the "mean girl" thing or drama.  I'm a drama free sort of monkey.  I much prefer all the dramas that touch my life to be those of other people.  (I also cannot stand bickering. Ugh.)

Mean Girls are an interesting study of human behavior.  Their actions are wholly intentional, but they operate under the illusion of plausible deniability.  They believe they are being calculatedly vicious.  I have a friend who teachers middle grades who once told me that little boys are like gorillas . . . pounding their chests and making as much noise as possible to establish their position with their peers.  But, she said that little girls were like cats  . . . quietly grooming themselves when really they are looking to sharpen their claws across your face the minute they think they can get away with it.

So, today we're leaving work, all of us at the same time which is rare.  I'm holding the door for my co workers and say "have a good weekend."  One co worker returns the sentiment but Problem Child employee stays silent, gets to the parking lot and very pointedly looks at the other co worker and says "bye" in the most exaggeratedly sweet voice she could muster.

Really?  If you're still thinking that being a Mean Girl at 25 is the way to go through life, I hope you never have children.

Common enemy

A co worker was telling me about a conversation she over heard (as in it was in a public place and the conversation took place two tables over from where she was eating lunch) the other day that involved prime examples of misogyny and rape culture.  And, the braggart was wearing a Nickelback tee-shirt.

I chimed in with a story from a trip to NOLA a few years ago.  A family seated themselves at a table next to ours at a patio bar.  It was parents and grown children and/or spouses.  The mother was already someone with a "fill up the room" personality.  She was loud and screeched and needed to be the center of attention . . . and then they bought her booze.

At some point in the evening, she joined together several straws, and then used the straws to reach across her table/our table and start drinking from my glass.  I SHIT YOU NOT! A total stranger created an extended straw to bogart my drink.  Her children were horrified (and bought me a new drink) and she and her family were invited to leave.

And, they were all wearing Nickelback tee-shirts.

Nickelback sucks.

Raining Money

Maybe my "good deed" bought me some peace in my office.

Today, I stopped by a local charity to drop off a donation.  When I got out of my car, there was a dollar bill in front of their door.  I picked it up, and handed it, along with my donation, to their employee. She thought perhaps someone might come back by their office to claim it. I said "maybe it's raining money and that's the first drop."

Then, as I went back to my car, there were TWO more dollars in the parking lot.  I walked around a bit to see if there were more, and took the two more dollars into the charity.  I was the only person in the parking lot at that time . . . and the office next door to them was closed.

It really was raining money.

The employee, as I left a second time, quipped that she was impressed that I immediately thought to give them the money rather than keep it . . . after all, it was in the parking lot, not in their building.

It never occurred to me to keep it.

Later, there seemed to be calm in my office. I'm hoping the lull in drama was bought with that automatic instinct to give found money away.

Confessions

One aspect of my relationship with Phenom is that we actually inspire each other to be our best selves.  (I know, gag.)

He has become more patient with others because of conversations we've had about struggles I've seen from other humans.  I want to be more generous because of his example.

But, I also find that we have this odd little accountability ritual.  We confess to each other when we were selfish or lacked compassion or decided to not be our best selves.  We actually never admonish each other as a result of these confessions.  In fact, we usually validate the choice.  But, it's interesting.

This realization came about the other day when I confessed that I had not been generous.

One of the people who works in my office is sometimes referred to as "the original freeloader" by others in the office.  She constantly is hinting around that we should give her whatever it is that we have . . . food, make-up, gadgets, clothes.  She doesn't just admire our things, she out-and-out asks for them. My tact is usually to laugh and act like it's an absurd notion. . . me giving you the scarf I wore today.  (And, it is absurd, right? The asking, in itself, is absurd, right?)

So, the other day, she popped into my office when I was eating my lunch.  I'd made myself a large "asian" citrus chopped salad from a kit.  The package itself was large enough that it could easily have been a side item for a meal for a group of people.  But, it was my whole lunch . . . that and a chicken breast I'd brought for protein.  I was more than half way through my salad when she sat down.  She asked what I was having.  She exclaimed that she was really quite hungry.  She told me that she really thought that salad looked good and that she wished I'd brought enough to share.  She asked several times what was in it?  Where did I get it?  How much was in the package? Did I really eat the whole thing for a meal?  Gee, I wish I'd brought lunch with me today.

I let her go on, without suggesting that she should share in my salad (I was eating straight from the bowl . . . no one expects you'd share from your ACTUAL bowl, right?)  I didn't mention that I had a whole, uncut chicken breast in a container on my desk that I planned to eat after I finished the salad.  I suspected she would have expected me to give her the chicken.  But, I'd not had protein with my breakfast, and I had a salad planned for dinner . . . I needed a few grams of protein intake for the day.

Still, I felt as if I had not been generous.  I felt that I'd been selfish, and I should confess.  The Phenom, of course, agreed that her insinuation that I should share my lunch was absurd, and I had no reason to feel guilty.

Confession is good for the soul.  So is validation from your loyal friends.

Misery

Take a truly miserable human and relieve them of their job and then make them work off a two week notice . . . and you have the most miserable person on the planet.  She has taken to showing up late, refusing any interaction with co-workers, and stomping around to communicate her misery.  Sadly, it has nearly reached comical levels and rather than feeling bad, the co-workers find themselves rolling their eyes and exchanging meaningful looks.

I'm torn.  I am looking forward to having this person out of our office.  Before this "two week notice" she was toxic to the office.  She was incapable of basic levels of polite interaction, she was incompetent and I'm pretty sure she's lied to me.  But, she is out of a job right before the holiday season.  I hate that for anyone.

I know in a month, we'll hardly remember her . . . save for stories of her massive toilet paper habit.

Never Poke a Sleeping Bear

I had a professor write this on the board, prior to the final, once.  Apparently, at 3am while grading term papers, he got poked.  A student wrote a rant about how much he hated the class, how it was a pain in his ass that he had a term paper due right before finals, and other critiques of the professor's fitness to continue breathing.  I'm sure the paper would have provoked at any time of the day, it was just the student's bad luck that it was 3am.

I've moaned about my abandonment by ESK.  Then, we hired her replacement.  We will soon be rehiring her replacement.

The Replacement's downfall has been an interesting example of how people can be their own worst enemy.  Also, how once a pattern of behavior is created, how difficult it is to break it.

To be fair, I hired The Replacement knowing that she had the reputation of being "difficult."  Silly me . . . I thought I could over come her prickliness with my charm and monkey fun.  Nope.

She refuses to be a good colleague.  When I pointed out that she needed to work harder to "fit in" with the staff, she took that to mean that she must stomp up the hall and bark "good morning" to each of us and flee before we can even return the greeting.  She seems to have created rules for our office and insists on abiding by them.  (I have told staff that they schedule their time off, just let me know your plans and if there is some task you'll need another employee to assist with in your absence.  She insists on sending me painfully formal emails requesting permission to take an hour here, and hour and a half there, of vacation leave.  Always adding in that if I will not grant her permission, please name the time and date on which I wish her to come work that tiny increment of time.)  A friend would call it being "maliciously obedient."

Today, I  had planned on treating my staff to a "fire drill" which would give them a bonus hour off just before the holiday.  Today was selected because it is one of the few days she planned to work the same schedule as the rest of us, and I felt it wasn't fair to all the staff when she was working such a very different schedule.  But, then she came in 15 minutes "early" but stayed in the work room, playing on her phone, until the "official start of her work day (8-4).  It annoyed me to the point I seriously considered cancelling the fire drill.  Lucky for everyone else, I decided to go ahead with it anyway.  Miracles of miracles, she suddenly dropped the snotty tone from her voice.  I know it is temporary.  But, we're basking in it for the moment.

I'm pretty sure this is karmic payback for being smug about how "girl games" don't infect my office like I hear about in other places of business.  I'm firing her next week.  Soon, calm will be restored.

Hating Change

So, ESK left me.  Something about having a baby that isn't half monkey.  Fine.  Be that way.

I've hired someone in her job.  This newbie is in no way, shape, or form anywhere close to replacing ESK.

a) I've lost count of the number of times she's rearranged her office.
b) her first assignment, she turned in less than half completed.
c) she copped attitude when I explained that she should schedule personal business on personal time. d) her normal mode of functioning seems to be passive aggressive.

BUT! the biggest oddity of the newbie is the tremendous volume of toilet paper she uses.  It's not like we see her bolting to the bathroom every 10 minutes . . . but she used a 6 pack of charmin double rolls in a week.  6 ROLLS IN A WEEK!!!

I know there was about a third of a roll in "my" bathroom when I left work last night but this morning, there is a new roll in its place.  I bought super mega rolls that a) the cheapest stuff you've ever seen in TP and b) each roll is about 9 regular rolls of TP.  She's used nearly a whole roll in one bathroom, and then the last of my roll of good stuff in my bathroom.  You'd think our toilets would be backing up with that volume.

But, fear not.  I have a 6 pack of the good stuff in my office cabinet.  It will probably last me to the end of the year . . . if not longer.

It's bad when an employee has you stashing the good TP in your office.  Well, it was bad that she put me in the position of even noticing the TP usage.  I'd rather not have an awareness of how much TP anyone uses.

(From now on, this person will be known as TP)

Math Problem

3 people in an office
4 days
4 rolls of toilet paper
during the 4 days, every day at least one person was out for the day

HOW?

Unenthusiastic

I've been dumped by ESK.  She's moved on to greener pastures.  I understand, intellectually, why.  I knew the day would come.  But, now I have to find her replacement, and such does not exist.

I'm interviewing for a new ESK (evil side kick) this week. I sent all the people who applied a fact sheet about the job/program as well as a document that would introduce them to the thought process behind the program.

I decided to interview everyone who met the minimum requirements.  Even the ones I knew from their applications that they probably had no chance.  I did reject a person who applied who met the minimum requirements because she didn't complete the full application (only two pages) and did not follow the directions.

Yesterday, the interview process started.  And, I admit, I don't have the best attitude.  In the past, interviews have been more conversational.  These are much more cut and dry.  I haven't tried to chat much with the candidates.

But, from just the first two interviews, I've decided that our future interns, poor dears, will get an in-service training on interviewing for a job.  I will share some of our interview questions (as well as common other questions) with interns so that they can think about how they want to present themselves.  I think the mistake these folks are making is that they appeared for this interview completely unprepared.  As if simply walking into our office would be impression enough for us to hire them.

But, since lecturing my interns is several weeks off . . . lucky you people are gonna get the lecture.

a) if they send you a document with the application, assume they are going to expect that you read it, be familiar with it, and are willing to discuss it at the interview.

b) assume that, at some point, they will want you to describe yourself.  Put some thought into how you want people to think of you as a first impression.  Telling me "I'm just me" isn't enough for me to know what that means . . . since I'm just meeting you.

c) think about your future . . . where do you see yourself in 5-10 years?  It isn't an insult to the person interviewing you to hear that someday you want to run for congress or you'd like to start your own non-profit with _____________ mission.  I would suggest avoiding saying "I want your job" . . . some folks may find that a tad aggressive.

d) do some research about the organization.  How long have they existed? What services/programs/products do they offer?  Are they growing?  Telling me that you know nothing about what our organization does will not impress me or inspire me to want to hire you.

e) come up with questions of your own.  Ask if the position is a new one, or why the previous holder of the position left.  If they provided you with documents, read over them and ask some question that indicates you read them.

I'm sure I'll be adding to this list . . . as I have several more interviews to go.

Incredibly Bad

One of my job duties is to hire for open positions in my office.  We are currently hiring.  This means I get resumes and applications daily.  I have to read through these applications and decide which applicants will get a job interview.

I try to be very fair about the process.  I have a streamlined system that allows everyone to start off on equal footing.  Then, those who meet the qualifications for the job will get an interview.  But, I admit, I'm biased by the time the interviews roll around.

My first inclination is to deny most applicants an interview in the first place.  I consider the application process a test, and if you can't follow simple instructions, I don't want to be forced to work with you.  Also, your tone and attitude can be a real turn off.  Also, applying for a job other than the one advertised will work against you.

One dude said he'd "graciously" accept the job since there are so few persons of his caliber doing this sort of work.

One lady described every professional job she's ever had with the exact same phrase and included it in her cover letter.  She applied for some job that isn't what we are hiring for.  But, the really impressively (bad) aspect of her application is that she, despite having multiple professional positions, listed her aunt, cousin, and father as her references.

One person didn't complete 3/4 of the application and instead of a cover letter, prepared a cover sheet (name, position, date) as one would submit with a paper in school.

This is how I know I'm getting old.  When I was younger, I would have found hiring an exciting process.  Now, it pretty much just triggers my bitch-face.

I really need to be cleared to return to work

Remember when I wrote about how my television viewing habits had gone to pot during my recovery?  I might have reached a new low.

During one of the hospital stays, I saw this show advertised, over and over and over and over.  The focal character was such an ass that the ads alone kinda pissed me off and made me hate him.

Then, one night after returning home, I was out of bed (doctor wanted me out of bed as much as possible when I wasn't sleeping) late one Saturday night, watching television with Phenom.  And the show came on.  And, we didn't change the channel.  And, I learned that one night I was in the hospital, Phenom had already watched an episode.

Then, I found myself not changing the channel when I'd just happen to run across it while surfing.

Tonight, I actually sought it out.  And, I found myself thinking that perhaps he isn't so horrible/crazy after all.

Who knew massive piles of paperwork kept me sane?

I don't really do the hashtag thing . . .

but

#headdesk #headdesk #headdesk

I can't really speak to why the need for my head to crash into my desk, yet at least.  But, now that I'm good and woozy, I'm going to go swig Jack Daniels from the bottle.

Mean

Today I was mean.  It was an experiment, but it had a human subject.  What's more, the human subject had no idea they were the subject of my experiment.

Some time ago, ESK and I realized that our other co-worker pretty much functions like either a dude, or a child in our office.  She is an adult.  And a college graduate.  But, when it comes to meal time, she is perfectly comfortable with letting us make food magically appear in front of her.  To her credit, she has been willing to eat pretty much anything we give her.

Earlier this week, I think because both ESK and I are rocking colds,  we realized that not only does she happily freeload meals, she doesn't contribute to the placing of the food on the table. . . or even on her own plate most days.  She literally will sit at the table and wait for us to hand her food.

Any attempt make her fend for herself . . . even to the point of deciding which sort of cheese to put on her sandwich . . . has met with bumbling and confusion until one of us takes over.

So, today, I decided to sit in my office beyond the 12 noon hour to see what she would do.  And, she did NOTHING.  She stayed in her office.  She didn't pop her head into my office to see if I were eating. . . she didn't inquire as to whether I was feeling well . . . NOTHING.  Later in the afternoon, I did hear her rustling the snack foods she keeps stashed in her office.

And, in other and possibly related news, Phenom informed me tonight that Santa will NOT be bringing me a pony.

Dear Interns,

When you are engaged and interested and committed, we couldn't love you more,

However, if you are some slacker who is just trying to do the minimum to get your diploma so you can free load off your mama and have a higher level of whining because no one will give you a job worthy of your degree . . . by this time in the semester, please know we pretty much hate you.

We recruit interns because a) we have a project that requires extra personnel, b) we truly believe one way our agency can "give back" is through helping the next generation get that "work experience" that will help them get a job and c) we believe that if you learn good, professional habits before you graduate, it will help you avoid problems with your first "real" job.

But, please know that interns represent MORE work for our staff . . . not less.  We work hard to create an experience that will allow you to find ways to apply what you learned in your classes in a real world setting.  Many of the assignments we give you are more about giving you items for a portfolio you can use to demonstrate your abilities to your future employers.  (Really, we could care less about putting up bulletin boards at the local college . . . that's purely for you.)

You should know, our staff is always going to be more loyal to ourselves than to you.  And, you should understand that we communicate . . . a lot.  When you're standing at the doorway of my office giving me some song and dance about how another employee gave you instructions different than what I gave you. . . you should understand that while you're dancing around, I'm likely instant messaging with the staff person you're putting all the blame on and getting the truth.  If you say that you did call in "sick" but that another employee wasn't answering her phone, we can look and see if you ever called.

Also, that employee all of you slacker interns seem to think is the "sympathetic" one . . . you should understand that she generally loses her patience with you before I do.  Just because she's kind, doesn't mean she buys your line of BS.

Lastly, everyday you should remember that we will evaluate you for your grade.  We get together as a full staff to evaluate interns.  We share our various perceptions and experiences with your work, work ethic.  If you were a slacker.  If you lied to us.  If you didn't get your work done.  IT ALL GOES ON YOUR EVALUATION.

Just sayin' . . .