The New Lotto

The lotto is such a fickle financial plan, I get why people are trying other get rich schemes.  Yes, crowd source funding is the new lotto.  Come up with something that catches attention, and you too can be raking in the moolah.

Of course, everyone knows about the dude who crowd funded his potato salad to the tune of thousands of dollars.  And, there was the bus monitor that was bullied . . .only her crowd fund was started by someone well meaning.  But, there are also those horrible grandparents whose dog mauled their grandchild, and they falsely claimed that employees of a over-salted brand of chicken publicly shamed the child in order to shill people.

Frankly, I'm more inclined to believe that most crowd funding pleas are the shilling sort rather than the bullied old lady sort.  (I don't trust humans much, do I?)

In the past week, two of my acquaintances have tried their hand at crowd funding.  One is raising funds for her vet bills.  She is a single mother, she has brought quite a few animals into her home, and can't afford to care for them properly.  (And, I say this with a tone of judgement in my voice knowing how many critters are in my household.)  I think her circle of friends may be more sympathetic to her financial woes if they a) had not spent the whole summer listening to her whine about the cost of child care (which is terrible, but don't be bringing in a new, sick kitty, if you can't take care of your existing bills), and b) if they didn't know that she makes a fairly decent income working in a law office and lives rent free in a house her parents own (oh, and that her boyfriend freeloads off of her too).  The other, a single mom, has lost all her teeth to a medical condition, and her government funded health coverage will only pay for replacement teeth every five years.  The teeth she received through her government funded health coverage (not medicaid or medicare, in case you were wondering) a couple of years ago didn't fit properly, but the dentist refused to waste his time fixing them when there was no money in it for him.  She is trying to raise roughly the same amount as the person seeking vet bills assistance.

Is it mean of me that I'm kinda pleased that the friend needing teeth is "ahead" in the fundraising?

I wonder if I could crowd source fund NOT taking over the planet?

I didn't even have to stick my finger in her ear

Years ago, I developed a mostly untested theory that I can mind meld with humans by inserting my index fingers in their ears while they stick their index fingers in my ears.  I've offered several humans the opportunity to get a quickie glimpse into the inner workings of my mind before they commit to the full on mind meld.  This far, no takers.  I nearly got the favorite 11 year old (back when she was the favorite 9 year old) to try it on the offer that I already know my multiplication tables.  Unfortunately, she decided that taking short cuts wasn't worth the other possible side effects.  (I suspect she was unduly influenced by The Phenom in this decision.)

Anyhoo, yesterday, one of my minions discovered "the good grocery store."  This gave me the opportunity to fan her new found love with little perks you might not think to ask for in a regular grocery store.  And, then, she said it .  .  . that someday she wants me to take her to ALL MY FAVORITE STORES.  It will mean a full day road trip . . . but she'll thank me.  And a happy minion is an obedient minion.  

I knew this one had real potential when she brought my whole office cupcakes on the mildest of suggestions.  

You should probably never trust my advice

I made a fairly startling realization this morning.  Although, I believe I give good, decent, morally defensible, and practical advice to humans on a regular.  I mean, really, I'm just practicing for the day I become your evil monkey overlord. 

But, then I realized that two of the most significant decisions in my life were actually, on paper, kinda haphazard and risky. 

Imagine . . . ME!  The monkey that likes to have a plan, flying by the seat of her threadbare pants.

I chose my major in college because of an article I heard on NPR.  It was about a ground breaking new approach to a masters degree program at another school.  But, the article stayed with me and after a couple of weeks of replaying it in my head, I looked around, realized my school had a public policy program, and changed my major.  One of the smartest decisions I've made. 

And, then I moved to this tiny little town, had this interesting life because I followed a guy.  Such a feminist of me, right?  But, I've had a fantabulous life.  I have satisfying work.  I have fantastic friends.  I have a comfortable home.  And, again, one of the smartest decisions I've ever made.

So, I made decisions based on my gut.  But, I have the gumption to make the decision work out.  Isn't that what you really want from an EVIL MONKEY OVERLORD?  A strong gut and the stubbornness to make it work out?

Fall Foods

I know, it's just a tease . . . but man has the weather been beautiful for the past two days.  I imagine that once we get good and happy with the low humidity, it will come screaming back.  But, now that there is the slightest nip in the air in the mornings, I am already thinking of fall flavors.  Heavy, slow-cooking, hearty foods.

Tonight, we're having maple roasted bacon (cook the bacon in the oven, and about 3 minutes before it's done, brush with maple syrup and pop back in for a final bit of caramelizing . . . bacon candy!) and banana/pecan pancakes.  Well, Phenom will be having traditional plain pancakes . . . but "other husband" and I will get goodies in our pancakes.  And, I warm the maple syrup.

You kinda wish you had an evil monkey overlord, now don't you?

Goofball to the rescue

I've hit the wall.  I'm too exhausted or stubborn to give in. . . or maybe I worry that if I start crying, I just won't stop.

I don't know if the kid understood my mental state, or if it were her usual goofiness, but my favorite 10 year old and I had the silliest conversation the other night, and it could not have been better timed.

Lately, she has become quite interested in universal domination.  What's cute is that she totally defers to the monkeys as the future evil overlords of the universe.  (And, me as the supreme leader, natch.)  We have come to the decision that the chipmunks will be our henchmen.  She, of course, will be my personal henchman.  Each henchman chipmunk will be armed with a slingshot for doling out instant justice.

She decided that we should just do away with most of the humans.  I proposed that the really good ones (our personal favorites) could become our pets.  She thought it might be better if we let the really rich ones become our pets.  (That kid may think of herself as a chipmunk, but she has real monkey potential.)

She also decided we should devise games so that our pets can be healthy.  We made up several games . . . like "go, fetch" and "monkey ball."  I'll leave the particular rules up to my henchman to craft.

She also decided that in our utopia universe, ruled by the Evil Overlord Monkey, there should be gifts and parades honoring the Evil Overlord Monkey on a daily basis.  I thought we should have special parades and plays dedicated to the heroics of the henchmen chipmunks on at least a weekly basis.

We are going to rename our universe "M" and the anthem will be "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm"

Gifts and parades!  Chipmunks armed with slingshots!  How could this go badly?

Smoke and Mirrors

I think it's pretty important that folks have some sense of how others perceive them. Sometimes, it's a harsh lesson. Other times, just surprising. The Phenom laughs when I babble something about bee-bopping through life unnoticed by others.

I think I have a sense of how I'm perceived by others. I have a reputation for being something of a rabble rouser. I seem to be known for shooting straight from the hip . . . or speak first, remove foot later. And, years ago, a friend told me that when I'd left the room two of the people who were in the meeting with us turned to each other and said something like "wow that Super Bongo is smart."

Frankly, I am kinda proud of my mastery of the language. I feel like a trailblazer for all monkey and lab-critter kind. I'll let you in on a little secret.

Today, when my favorite livestock agent asked me a grammar question I was able to give her a reasonable answer as well as explain the grammar rule in question. I then could follow up by citing a grammar text. How? Well, first, I knew the answer off the top of my head, but secondly, I keep my college grammar text in my office for just this sort of occasion.

Perhaps the smartest thing about me is knowing where to find the smart answers.

Exclusivity and Mt. Dew

In my office's break room, someone has tacked to the frig one of those oft-forwarded emails about friendship. One of the items is "when you are sad, I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mt. Dew."

This line was the emulsifier for my gang. We are the Spider Monkey Lunch Forum. There are currently 8 of us in the gang. We have gang names for each other. We have a couple super secret gang signs. And, we have an initiation of a sort . . . you have to be willing to discuss in a loud, confident voice bodily functions in a public place.

Basically, we meet for lunch every day. We have just a few restaurants in town to select from because they haven't asked us to leave yet. One place has a table way in the back for us.

We lunch, support each other when shit goes down, celebrate triumphs, and come up with creative solutions for the various situations we find ourselves in on a week to week basis. We occasionally invite guests to join us . . . but most folks aren't up to the raunchy, loud, inappropriate conversations we carry on.

Being a member of the SMLF is one of those little niceties in life. And, they don't even realize they are being groomed to be my generals one day.

Tenacious

Somehow, an attitude got pinned on me. You humans think I'm stubborn . . . and I suspect, not in that fun, life of the party way either.

I think it started the first year the Old Folks enrolled me in human school. We had a list of spelling words with the assignment to look each word up in the dictionary, and next to each definition, write the name of a member of the class who could be described by the word. Every one of those little crumb snatchers put my name next to the word "tenacious."

Okay. Maybe the attitude wasn't so much pinned on me as it was earned. I still find it funny when I hear people say that I'll stop at nothing to get what I want. I already have pretty much everything I could want, well except world domination . . . but I'm working on that . . . night and day, day and night. heh.

The Old Woman was wrong!

Apparently, the WORLD does OWE me something!

Today, I received a very official looking email from the United Nations (located in Switzerland, not NYC, but that is nothing to be concerned about, right?) informing me that as part of their "debt reconciliation" work . . . they want to deposit monies, HUGE SUMS OF MONIES, in my personal bank account.  

Not only will I benefit directly from this email . . . but I will be HELPING OUT THE WORLD by taking their money.  And, the rest of the planet will rest easy knowing that their debt to me has been paid.  

Now that I have all the UN's money . . . taking over the planet is gonna be child's play!

Stark Contrast

Every beauty queen and politician says they want it . . . most nations claim it in their actions . . . of course, I'm talking about this elusive "world peace."

I try to keep history in mind when shaping my perspective. Fashions have been worse . . . anyone admit to the 70s? The world has been a more dangerous place. What is happening today with crime and international affairs are more or less a rehashing of what has always happened, just before we didn't have 47 news stations blaring in our faces 24 hours a day.

But, as the events leading up to the olympics, and the occasional stories coming from the olympics . . . it seems to me that more than showcasing a world coming together for friendly competition . . . the olympics really are just showing us how far off the mark we are from achieving world peace. And, it seems to me that with our 24-hour a day coverage and commercial ties to that coverage and the events leading up to and during the olympics, we as a global community have thinner skins than we use to have. What would have been a harmless story in years past . . . like the playing of our national anthem during one of many, many medal ceremonies being messed up . . . suddenly now, it seem to be a direct slap in our faces, an insult we must rehash over and over.

I know, this generation is not really worse than all other preceding . . . but it does seem that for all our advancements and technology and global concerns . . . that we'd be just a bit closer to world peace. Maybe when the monkeys take over. . . .

Politics

I have to say, I've got high expectations for my future today. Yep . . . the plot is swimming along just fine today. Soon, I'll be holding auditions for my very own troops of "swiss guards." I guess I should start looking for an official tailor and crown maker.

I have, in the past few weeks, become acquainted with a young man who is running for political office. A very high office indeed. Because he is on the world's longest job interview, he has been forced to listen as if he cared to my prattling on about my views and opinions. But, this isn't what has this elected leader wanna be in my pocket . . . no, our political system is all about favors. Who has done you a favor, and who owes you a favor.

Well, I set up a myspace page for this budding glad-hander . . . which means I surely will be given some high job within our political system.

National Monkey Day isn't far off folks.

Copy Cats

I see on Yahoo that scientists (HA) claim to have cloned a monkey embryo. They don't actually say that they let the thing grow into a real monkey. They go on to say that they expect that this will allow them to move forward on cloning human stem cells.

Believe it or not, but I am all for scientific advancements - after all - if not for scientific tinkering, I would never had develop the skills I have. But, I'm thinking that there is something much more sinister going on than just innocently creating human stem cells.

Then, again, they don't specify if the "scientists" were human or monkey. Maybe someone else is picking up where I failed . . . . maybe there will someday be a monkey army to make you lowly humans bow down to our superiorness. oops, I shouldn't have said that part.

The picture is MY attempt at cloning. I call him Hank.

Gone Soft

Yes, the cat in the wordless this week is Oscar the Bold. I've had lots of cats and kittens over the years. Too many, to tell the truth. But, for some reason, I have gone totally soft on Oscar the Bold. The stuff that would have me screeching with the other cats, I secretly think is cute. Like his serious issues with toilet paper. Every chance he gets, he is unrolling it and shredding it.

This morning as I loudly said "NO NO" - he was frantically chewing away at the pile he'd created before the Phenom took it away. I was wishing I had my camera ready.

I routinely lock the other cats out of the bedroom - but every night take Oscar with me to bed. I don't really even mind that at 4am he demands attention.

I've gone soft. How can I ever take over the planet if I'm spending my spare time following a kitten around with a camera? How much cred am I going to have as a dictator if I have nothing but fuzzy kitty pictures on my walls? sigh. Keep this up, and I'll only manage to take over a small island.

Falling behind

I use to have aspirations of taking over the planet. But, it would seem that I've been lulled into a more peaceful and domestic trance. I've got to shake it and get back to the original mission.

Maybe I should watch more episodes of Pinky and the Brain on YouTube. I love YouTube.

OOOOOOOH! YouTube is the root of my getting side tracked from the mission. Must enslave the humans. Must bend them to my will. Must train them to fetch me another drink.

So Close . . . .

One of the underlying missions in my life is the search for the big lawsuit. Mostly, it's about making the big buck so I can become a monkey of leisure. Less important, but still acceptable would be a lawsuit in pursuit of thwarting evil or standing up for a principle.

Today, I found the SLAM DUNK lawsuit. We're talking big bucks and humiliating stupid people. We are talking easy proof of malfeasance. And damn it! The Phenom won't let me interfere. Just because the situation at hand has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with me. But, it's just sooooooo dddddaaaaaammmmmnnnneeeedddddd good.

The hunt continues. sigh.

If you want me to be nicer

I've commented from time to time that the past year or so has seen an angry, bitter Bongo rather than the happy, silly Bongo of the past. Of course, that's all a bit of a generalization. There have been bright moments and days of silliness. The Child likes to compare the silliness of all humans in her life to my silliness. I am her STANDARD of SILLINESS.

But, I've also had more than my fair share of wallowing in my own self pity and bitterness.

Earlier this week, while things were moving along particularly well, I declared that I was going to make an effort to be less bitter. Less angry - more like the happy go lucky Bongo of old - dare I say it, a Super Bongo once again.

So if you humans want me to be happy and all that shit - you all need to stop pissing me off. You people who work at drive through frozen treat places? Just get me my damned milkshake in less than 15 minutes. And you geniuses working at the home improvement store - just admit you have no clue what it is I'm describing or where it might be hidden in your store - don't send me to utterly nonsensical corners of the store in hopes someone else will help me. And, you petty little service vendors? Just do your damn jobs without making up totally fabricated excuses as to why you haven't done your job in the past.

Really, I'll start being more pleasant when you people stop giving me even more reasons to want to take over the planet and enslave your species.

ssshhhhhhhhhhh

for the next several days, I will be doing research. I will be taking a little trip -- and need to find the VERY best possible "deal" on the travel/lodging arrangements. This means quite a bit of cross checking, looking at different web sites, peering at maps, and the such.

Hopefully, the kindly folks at the FBI headquarters will help me figure out why stinkie must ALWAYS be in the sink. Seriously, this cat is in the sink two dozen times a day. Even when she isn't pulling things from the disposal or drinking from the faucet - she just sits there contemplating world peace, or domination - it's hard to tell with cats.

A little secret to my success

I regularly like to pin the Phenom down and won't let up until I'm told that I'm the "master" of the scam, sexual innuendo, and the pantsing. (I have said it before, and stand by it now, there is a part of all of us that never outgrows the 4th and 7th grades.)

Anyway - I thought I'd share a bit on my philosophy about scams.

The scam needs to be something that builds up. Good scams are ones in which the victim actually ends up inflicting their own harm. The VERY BEST scams are when there is no actual scam but the target has fits trying to avoid the assumed scam.

Examples:

Today the Evil Side Kick (ESK) told me that the left turn signal in her vehicle was broken - but everytime she tried to use it she would orally make the little clicky sound. Apparently, this drove her main squeeze to the edge of all the sanity he knows. She continued this little game for about an hour - then stopped - and the next time she hit the signal stick - HE MADE THE SOUND with out thinking about it. GENIUS!!!!

This morning, I made a show of putting Icy Hot on my hand -- and then repeatedly walking behind the fresh from the shower Phenom. Now, I've creatively used Icy hot to torture before - so the Phenom DANCED trying to avoid the application that never came. HEH HEH.

Now, go out there and scam as if your little lives depended upon it -- for someday, it just may be your ability to scam that keeps my kind from destroying your kind -- heh heh.

The value of an animal

A couple of happenings have pets and animals in my thoughts today. First, this whole pet food recall thing. Several of the pet owners who lost their pets to the tainted food are now looking into law suits. Legal talking heads say that the pet owners are likely to see small amounts of money because pets are valued as property only. They are all watching to see if the law suits are successful at winning damages based on the emotional harm inflicted by the loss of a beloved pet.

Coupled with this stuff was an interaction the evil side kick was subjected to over the weekend. She was offering hospitality to a woman (which is what southerners do best - offer hospitality) and the woman was a member of some group called PETA. The woman asked Evil Side Kick if she had pets. ESK (evil side kick) said yes. And this weird woman launched into some tirade about cruelty to animals simply by "owning" them.

I find it an interesting contrast. On one hand, legal types saying that pets have no value beyond their price tag or vet bills -- and on the other some fringe group feeling that animals should be afforded rights similar to humans. I suspect the truth lies somewhere in the middle. I think the courts will recognize that pets are worth more than their vet bills but at the same time humans aren't quite ready to grant voting rights to Fluffy, yet.

(I think voting rights will have to be won species by species - and you know that means we monkeys will be first - the miracle of thumbs and all.)

Oh dear, another puzzle piece out of the box

Click on the title for the article.

It appears that you humans have unraveled one of the primate world's little mysteries. Fortunately for us, you aren't even close as to the whys and wherefores.

Just remember, we don't have so called "moral" issues with cloning. Or creating our own evil army to subjugate the lowly humans to our wills.

oops, said too much.