Reflections

So, it's been nearly a year since what I thought I knew and loved about my life was radically altered. I'm referring to, of course, the friendship that fell apart.

As with any break up, there were tears and anger and hatefulness and re evaluation. But, now I've come to a conclusion and I think it's where the story probably ends.

One of the things I always knew about my friend was that there was something in her that made her think that she was always being left out. Even when she was the leader, I think she still worried that she was left out. I remember her complaining that her co-workers at her first real job made her feel like they were all some big "married people's club" and not only was she not a member, but that they were intentionally trying to keep her out. She felt the same way when she married but had not yet had a child.

I think she spends her life feeling left out . . . on the outside . . . not quite catching it . . . alone.

Here's the irony. She surrounded herself with people who had enough affection and love for her that not only did they want her to feel a part of their club . . . they would drop everything and come running anytime she asked.

People would take off from their jobs, leave their families behind, drive hours just to hang out with her when she said she needed it. People spent their time, money, and talents trying to let her know in little and big ways that she was loved and belonged. And not only did she not realize it . . . she threw it all away.

The part of the relationship that is my fault is that I let my ego say "you're a good person, you're giving her what she wants" . . . and I let that cloud my judgement. I let that feeling that I was "doing good" lead me to support her in ways that, now looking back, probably didn't actually serve her. I validated her when I didn't really know the whole or real story. I took up her banner because I wanted to be the hero, not necessarily because it was what she needed.

And, when she didn't appreciate my efforts . . . I got mad . . . rather than realize this was who she was all along and I knew it.