Faults

I'm trying to learn something from my recent loss of a friendship. I've spent the last couple of months trying to wrap my brain around the new information and status. I've babbled and babbled and blathered about it. I'm pretty sure folks are sick of hearing about it.

And, despite the position I've taken, there have been moments in which I've suspected I played this one totally wrong. I understand what I was thinking at the time. And, thinking about it too much, I still come to the conclusion that eventually we would have ended up here anyway.

Regardless, I have also had to spend some time examining my own personality quirks and character flaws. I'm sure this is just a fraction of the list, but here's what I've been thinking about lately.

I am stubborn. In many ways, stubbornness has been a saving grace for me. However, I am aware that sometimes I find myself clinging to a position or opinion simply because I'm being stubborn, not because I'm absolutely certain I'm right.

Although I can generally be pretty forgiving and it takes a lot for me to become angry, once I do, I'm pretty unforgiving. I hold a good grudge. I know this is unattractive and a lot of it has to do with self-preservation and protecting myself as much as anything. I wish I were able to let go more easily.

I can be pretty smug. Although my early years are replete with stories that will make you sad in your heart, the last couple of decades have been pretty damned sweet. I am aware that I've gotten pretty much everything I've ever wanted in life. Fulfilling work. A warm and comfortable home. Relationships with critters and people alike in which I know I love and am loved. On one hand, I realize that those are pretty simple things to want. On the other, I realize that for many folks, they are damned near impossible to achieve. I know I've had good opportunities and a pretty good streak of luck. I think I sometimes forget that not everyone has this kind of satisfaction in their lives.

I let myself go in circles thinking too much. Again, with the whole letting go thing. Perhaps if I spend more time examining and correcting the faults I see in the mirror, I'll spend less time worrying about other folks.