New Year's Resolutions for other people

I'm thinking that instead of improving myself, what I ought to do is help select humans improve themselves. That way, I'll have fewer evil thoughts about them . . . and thereby improve myself by default. Clever twist of logic, no?

Here are my new year's resolutions for random folks . . . and this is just this week's list.

A) for the woman who sat next to me at the theater last night . . .rehab. The stench of alcohol off you was enough to make my eyes water . . . and can only be an indicator of long term abuse. They do have programs for old ladies now.

B) For the woman in the chinese restaurant who gabbed loudly about your mother's "fatty tumors" on your cell phone . . . laryengitis. It would be doing us all a favor. Nothing ruins a nice "egg foo yung" like the phrase "fatty tumor."

C) For the guy in the enormo-truck who parked taking up the last three spaces, a 3 months supply of "enzyete" or that weird "bob" male enhancement stuff I see on the tv all the time. Clearly, you are over compensating for something.

D) Roger Clemmons . . . come up with some real proof or shut up. No one likes a whiner.

That's all I can think of today. But, I'll revisit the issue in the future.