Airing of Grievances

In the tradition of Festivus, I have some complaints. Listen up Humans, some of you have been ticking me off . . . and I suspect you tick each other off too.

A) While attending movies, the theater, concerts, and sporting events . . . have some consideration. You ARE NOT IN YOUR LIVING ROOM.

Do not allow your child to incessantly kick the seat ahead of them. You know they are doing it . . . don't make the person whose kidneys now need replacing repeatedly turn around to ask - in varying degrees of politeness - your child to stop.

Do not remove your shoes unless you absolutely must to remove a rock, etc . . . in those cases, be discreet and quick. DO NOT PUT YOUR STOCKING FEET IN THE SEAT IN FRONT OR TO THE SIDE OF YOU. I'm pretty sure NO ONE wants your foot fungus on their clothes.

Do not prop your feet up on the seat back of the seat in front of you. NO ONE WANTS WHAT IS ON THE BOTTOM OF YOUR SHOES IN THEIR HAIR/FUR.

Do not glare at the people around you who are enjoying the entrainment because you can't hear on your cell phone.

Once you find your seat . . . stay seated until natural breaks in the entertainment . . . the others around you paid just as much for their tickets as you did . . . they probably want to enjoy the show without having to have you climbing over their laps or knocking over their drinks.

If you or your loved one spent big bucks purchasing a ticket, finding parking, paying for your meal, etc . . . show some consideration and leave the library book in the car.

And for those of you attending sporting events . . . don't leave early . . . you wouldn't leave a movie before it finished . . .even if a happy ending is obvious. You disturb those whose tickets allow them to stay for the whole event.

B) Blocking thoroughfares: When you are exiting a store, event, eatery, etc . . . don't stop as soon as you get through the door. If you must rummage through your bag . . . answer your phone . . . whack your child . . . move to the side so that others might leave the store too. Same goes for entering stores or public space . . . if the store you have entered has a narrow door . . . if you stand at the doorway gulping your grande latte with extra foam and choco sprinkles . . . you are probably in someones way.

If you are in the mall, a store, an eatery, etc . . . move to an unobtrusive spot to unload your child's stroller, your luggage, or grandpa's urn. Similarly, if this is your monthly visit to megamart with all 200 of your relations from the holler, go single file . . . don't spread out so much others can't utilize the fine selection of plastic-made-in-china-stuff.

If you must be intoxicated in public . . . don't make those around you worry about you doing the techi-color yawn on them.

If you are an employee of a store, eatery, mall, etc . . . don't hold long conversations with fellow employees or long lost loves in the middle of main passageways. Don't make customers navigate your mess.

C) Cell Phones: Show some discretion people. I always have the urge to join in loud conversations in public places. No one wants to be picking out bananas and apples while hearing about granny's abscesses. Pretty much no one wants to hear you to have phone sex while in a public space. And, screaming obscenities into your phone in public only adds to the global tensions.

D) People with children . . . control your monkeys. If you have 15 children . . . don't let them wander the store wreaking havoc with the store or other shoppers. If you are in an eatery . . . don't taunt your child into wails. Most people are pretty accepting of children who are unhappy but their parents are making honest attempts to calm/distract them. However, don't ignore your child's complaints to the point they are screaming bloody murder.

Also, even if you don't practice common sense at home . . . in public . . . give an appearance of doing so. Don't be filling your child's asthma inhaler prescription while blowing ciggie smoke in their faces. Don't expect your toddler can actually get themselves into the child safety seat on their own. And, don't act as if WE ARE JUDGING YOU if you peel out of the parking lot with your toddler jumping up and down in the back seat.

E) How about some pleasantries? Learn to say "I'm sorry" "Excuse me" "thank you" to complete strangers. When someone opens a door for you . . . be quick through it and say thank you. When you take out someones knees with your shopping cart, a quick "I'm sorry" might prevent them from hunting you down in the parking lot. When your child throws up on someones shoes, a heartfelt "I'm sorry" isn't out of order.

I'm tired now. I think I'm going to go lie down.