Death Log

I'm dying. I'm an innocent victim of germ warfare. I need to record my demise so that when I'm gone, you'll know how it happened. Perhaps someone will be able to diagnose my disease and can prevent other innocent monkeys from perishing the same horrible death I experienced.

Apparently, the blinding headache of last week was just the first symptom. Once the headache subsided, I was left with a slight tickle at the back of my throat. I took some extra vitamin C and ignored it. By the week-end, I was feeling a tad run down, but that isn't all that unusual given the strenuous activity of my weeks. By Sunday, I was snorking bits of liver and brain through my nose. The tickle in my throat has turned into a raging fire. I awoke early Monday to the same symptoms -- but had a doctor's appointment so I forged on. The doctor gave me a new medicine for my joints (the stress of being constantly upright has taken it's toll on my body) - but said she could do nothing for this vile disease I've been so cruelly exposed to.

I terrified some old people when internal organs started spewing from my nose in Target. By Monday evening, my body missing bits of brain, kidneys, and liver - I was reduced to lying listlessly on the couch staring into space. At some point during the night - the fire in my throat fanned up - but I found myself temporarily paralyzed and was helpless to find relief.

Today, I've tried a cocktail of advil, sudephed, and cough drops and hot tea. The paralysis has subsided - but, I'm pretty sure more bits of brain have escaped out my nose again today. For the scientists who surely will be sent into clean up the scene of my death - you might want to check out the trash can if you want to preserve my brain for study.

As I am surely on the brink of a dramatic and horrifying death - I need to get a couple more lies of my chest.

I did not have my finger and toe nails picked off by birds over the weekend.

The cat didn't really try to eat my fingers off.

And, to "Capt'nRod" of the "monkeybizz" chat room, I'm not really 6 foot 3 with dirty blonde hair and blue eyes. The other "details" were also a lie. I also think men in chaps are hilarious and not a bit sexy. Boy did I misinterpret the name of that chat room. Word to the innocent -- humans and monkeys have entirely different takes on the notion of "monkey business" -- you perverts.

I'll try to post again -- if I survive the next 24 hours.