Hey, the Jerk Store called . . .

In my household, we like to say that every situation has a Seinfeld parallel. I frequently don't get a chance to deliver the truly stinging. . . utterly snarky response.

I'd like to say that it's because I am a well brought up monkey and that the Old People taught me better. The truth is something closer to being both a craven coward and not thinking up the really perfect response until long after the moment has past.

I had one of those situations this weekend. Coming up with the snarky zinger was what propelled me the rest of the way home from my little weekend get-away.

Here is what actually happened.

I was driving back from the fall destination of choice in these parts when I decided to make a quickie stop at a McDonalds to, um, avail myself of the facilities and perhaps order some fries for a road snack.

In the loo, there was a bit of a line. The first stall to open up was with out toilet paper. I waited. The second stall to open up had two rolls . . . so I nicked one of the rolls and handed it to the woman behind me in line for use in the without stall. I happily relieved my pressures, until I became aware, midstream, that a woman was standing outside my stall angrily demanding to know what was wrong with the door. She declared loudly that the door wouldn't open. It must be broken. Why can't she open the door? Will someone please run get the manager and report that a stall door in the bathroom was in need of repair? Why won't this door open?

At which point, I finished my reason for being in the stall, zipped up, and flung open the door. I stared at the woman, who was a tad startled to see the door magically open, and asked her "May I help you?" To which she HUFFED, YES, HUFFED, and replied "what, it locks from the inside?" I sneered at her "Yeah, they all do."

What I thought up in the car and could never deliver but wish I had the guts and opportunity to say is:

"I realize the coyotes who raised you take a piss anywhere and in front of anyone, but I think you'll find most humans dislike an audience for such bodily functions. This is why you will find that pretty much ALL public loos lock from the inside. To keep jerks like you from watching people like me from being able to watch me take a piss."

Sigh. I think I'll continue to blame it on being properly brought up.